When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
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By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much