It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
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I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs