He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
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The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
The Onion called it…again.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”