Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
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I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
i want to work in this restaurant
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.