Twitter dot com. *sigh*
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If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.