As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
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[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
We need more people like this.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
This anagram machine is out of order.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?