why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
This forever.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me