When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
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[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
That de-escalated quickly
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding