I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
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My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.