If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
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Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol