Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
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Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
my astrological sign is a french fry
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Was it something I said?
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.