*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
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LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Never let them know your next move 😂
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Watermelon Boss!
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.