Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
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The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don鈥檛 even feel the need to correct it.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I鈥檓 going to need some new crayons.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it鈥檚 positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
馃幍Baby shark!馃幎
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
wife: you鈥檙e drunk
me: I鈥檓 not the one who鈥檚 all blurry Carol
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
It鈥檚 crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can鈥檛 find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don鈥檛 need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I鈥檇 roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that鈥檚 gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan