Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
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Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
The Struggle
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.