We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
You Might Also Like
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I have no passwords left in me
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.