Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
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You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.