Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
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all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker