How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
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im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.