You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
You Might Also Like
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My brain is a bad influence on me
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.