A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
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We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
The Others (2001)
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*