Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
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Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I can’t wait!
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.