Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
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This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Care for your back
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”