My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
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A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.