u spoke cat all this time??????
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Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
our love story in four pictures
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent