i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
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me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.