[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
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The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
*pronounces fake like saké*
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults