[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
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(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.