Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
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*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant