Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
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If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Can’t. Being lazy.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty