Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
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I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
my retirement plan is braless
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My five year plan is a meteorite
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?