Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
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WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?