The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Rt to bother an English speaker
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?