“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
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Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Mad Max Arctic Road
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.