[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
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At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
How funny!
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
The first matador
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians