due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.