I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
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waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
the noise i just made
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that