Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
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Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
nice challenge
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest