I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
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“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.