hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
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My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.