Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
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Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.