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Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text