One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
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God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.