I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
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My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂