Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
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Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
He’s dead
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Cucumbers Anonymous
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.