Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
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The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
bro what is going on at twitter
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”