Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
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AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
how long have you had this for?
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.