Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
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Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Do not levitate over flowers
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
The Friday File.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
whenever i wake up before my alarm
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.