Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
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me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do