Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
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I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t