[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
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If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*